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Thursday, 21 October 2004
The insomniac.
Mood:
 not sure
Now Playing: Seether- Broken.
I couldnt sleep again tonight. So, i decided to watch some tv.
The sad thing was that the only reasonable show i could find was Roseanne.
Yet, i find it strange that i found a message in her words.
" What didnt fit in my life i changed..... What i didnt like, i changed."
And i couldnt help but think, "could i do this too?" Her she is writing her lifestory, and i, in essence am doing the same.
My editor sent me back my book and told me to add emotion. And the weird thing is, i am scared to.
I dont want to reach into myself and relive my past alone.
I guess that is why i am so thankful that Dan is willing to hold my hand while my life flashes before my eyes. The memories of my childhood would make even the hardest synic cringe.
Most people dont remember when they were nearly two... But as i have found out in pychology, there are tramatic scense that even a toddler will remember. And my earliest memory is just that.
Its funny, but its hard for me to find light in my life.. The bad things outweigh the good tenfolds.
I listened to people tell me i couldnt and wont for so long that now, i find that i have problems realising that i can.
Dan, i know, gets fustrated with me for this reason. He hears me say things like " if i could" or " i am not" but its those voices of negativity i heard for most of my life coming back to haunt me.
I struggle to reign in my thoughts sometimes.. They run rampid through my head and sometimes overpower my heart.
I dream about things sometimes, things that dont make sense to me. Blurs, cents, voices...
AAA taught my dad that there is a commity in his head that twists his logic. And, as a victom of that logic, i also have the doubt commity in my head that i struggle daily to over come.
And as a pagan, i find myself tempted to turn my heart off and go black magic.. It tempts me soo much at times that i get irritated with myself.
I love all of my friends.. But, its my family that doesnt understand me.. And, no matter how hard i struggle, i cant seem to feel like i can break free of them.
Because late at night its my dads voice blaming me for his faults in my sleep... Its how my mom lives that makes me want to help her and abandon all i have to get her to do for herself what she has forgotten to do for herself.
It my brothers epilepsy that makes me want to fight to get money, and find a cure..
I always was smarter than most of my classmates, but i was afraid to stand out because when i did, i was the victom of harsh ridicule.
Yet, my mind is ever sharp and always waiting in limbo for those silent hours when it can dive into reflection and bring to my eyes the memories that i wish i could wash away.
I have so many dreams, so many things i want to do, yet i cant seem to focus completly on one.
Music seems to call to me at night.. My mind is wild and raging with thoughts, dreams and whispers of things i could do.. Things i want, but cant get to easily.
I want to be with dan as much as i can, but because of my need to help my family i cant see him as much as i want.. and i love him so much..
There is a special connection between us.. Times when i can feel him, his feelings his thoughts, as if he were here with me talkin to me.
I know there is so much i could say, but there are just somethings i cant say in a blog...and things only few need to know.
i love you dan..*kiss*
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 2:29 AM CDT
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