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Friday, 21 May 2004
still up..
well, its almost 1 am..and i am still up..weird.
I think its because I WANT DAN!!!!!!! wwwaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 12:54 AM CDT
Updated: Friday, 21 May 2004 12:55 AM CDT
Today..
where to start.
I am sick..there is a good start. there is 6 days left till Dan comes...umm..
My friend hates but loves her boyfriend, is stringing him along...and her boyfriend is one of my closest and longest standing friends.
Of which i cheated on my xfiance with...and with whom he cheated on my friend (in a way) with me..even though they had "taken a break" it was still real close to when they broke up..
which bothers me a bit i admit.
Oh well.. He isnt happy, and knows something is wrong..
And justin, i know you are gunna read this! wake up and smell the roses! SHE ISNT GUNNA CHANGE! SHE ISNT GUNNA WORK ON MAKING THINGS DIFFERENT!
and i also know she is gunna read this, and to that i say: You dont deserve him.. He is a real sweet guy. and you owe it to him to fess up!
anyways...now back to my life...I worked my tail off.. am avoiding calling my mother...because i dont want the lectures again.
i think most amaricans are totally egotistical when it comes to physical appearances..a broken nose isnt the end of the world...
umm...
Zach owned me by ways of typos.. damn it..
Brandygrassie: Zachy baby WOOT WOOT cha boogy..yah huh yah huh i likes him! he my duna nuna duna nuna ZACH MAN!
punkrockguy324: hahaha
punkrockguy324: hi!!
punkrockguy324: *huggles*
Brandygrassie: *huggles*
punkrockguy324: oh my god
punkrockguy324: i spent so long writing the last email
punkrockguy324: that i got timed out ><
Brandygrassie: holy cow!
punkrockguy324: its 6.5 pages single spaced!!
punkrockguy324: gahh im a windy bastard
Brandygrassie: naw..your just thourowly lovable
punkrockguy324: and this is following a 5 page single spaced from the other night
Brandygrassie: lol
punkrockguy324: how come the only hot people that know thye are hot are bitches..
punkrockguy324: and the hot ones that dont think they are hot
punkrockguy324: kick ass
punkrockguy324: i ask myself this
punkrockguy324: and shrug
Brandygrassie: dunno...
punkrockguy324: haha
punkrockguy324: you know your hot right?
Brandygrassie: i figured that since dan is workign till 12 i would take a couple pics of myself and send them to him....but i look as sick as i feel..:-( and pale to boot... and no i am not hot..i am your average person..the only thing that makes me stand out is my large lovable heart.
Brandygrassie: :-P
punkrockguy324: see!?
punkrockguy324: what i say is true
Brandygrassie: meh
punkrockguy324: hot people that dont think they are hot are the kickass ones
Brandygrassie: lol
Brandygrassie: thanks for the compliment zachy babes..your not so bad to look at either darlin.
punkrockguy324: i think u should send me pics
punkrockguy324: i know..
Brandygrassie: i would need your email addy darlin
punkrockguy324: but i'm an asshole
punkrockguy324: =p!!!!
Brandygrassie: no your not!
Brandygrassie: your a sweetheart and a lovable one at that.
punkrockguy324: yea i know.. i'm not an ass hehehe..
Brandygrassie: thank you...
punkrockguy324: but i'm really not hot
Brandygrassie: you are a cutie and dont you try to deny it!
Brandygrassie: or i will open a can of whoopass on you when i see you..
punkrockguy324: i aint ugly.. i have enough self confidence to say that
Brandygrassie: :-P
punkrockguy324: but i aint nothing special
punkrockguy324: just your average joe
Brandygrassie: You are too..
punkrockguy324: and i wouldnt have it any other way!
Brandygrassie: you are a great lookin guy zach...
Brandygrassie: :-P
punkrockguy324: i will admit to that as soon as you admit to being the hottest hotty among the hottnessess
punkrockguy324: haha!
punkrockguy324: ohh if i was 3 years older.. *shakes fist*
Brandygrassie: Which will be never because i am the hottest hottie...*hugs*
punkrockguy324: YOU ADMITTED IT!
punkrockguy324: Brandygrassie: Which will be never because i am the hottest hottie...*hugs*
Brandygrassie: i meant not
punkrockguy324: "i am the hottest hottie!"
punkrockguy324: *hugs*
punkrockguy324: nope
punkrockguy324: u admitted it!
Brandygrassie: i typoed and deleted...
Brandygrassie: I AM NOT THAT! never have been, never will be..
punkrockguy324: ^^
Brandygrassie: it was a mistake!
Brandygrassie: DAMN IT!
punkrockguy324: *changes sig on gonney's forum*
Brandygrassie: ?
punkrockguy324: go look at it
Brandygrassie: i am.
Brandygrassie: hmm...
Brandygrassie: two can play taht game zach darlin!
punkrockguy324: uh oh hahaha
Brandygrassie: HA!
Brandygrassie: confession time zach darlin!
punkrockguy324: ?
Brandygrassie: umm..wtf..i had 25 post this morning..and now i only have 17
Brandygrassie: read my sig darlin!
Brandygrassie: fess up!
Brandygrassie: :-P
Brandygrassie: I think your damn s3xy, so there!
Brandygrassie: and not in love with Dan ( which i do very much) and you werent so young:-p
Brandygrassie: and lived closer i would prove it to you.Then you could say a hottie ( according to you) is after your s3xiness.
Brandygrassie: :-P
punkrockguy324: hahaha
punkrockguy324: well, i will prove it to you in spite of those things
punkrockguy324: are you ready?
punkrockguy324: *ahem*
punkrockguy324: go look in the mirror
punkrockguy324: BOOM PROOF!!
Brandygrassie: why?
Brandygrassie: i know what looks back..and it is only i..
punkrockguy324: proof you are hottie
Brandygrassie: but i am not
Brandygrassie: did you get my email zach?
punkrockguy324: ohhh man
punkrockguy324: your sig..
Brandygrassie: yes dear?
punkrockguy324: you hot hot bitch
Brandygrassie: what about it.
punkrockguy324: owned ><
punkrockguy324: hahaha
Brandygrassie: i am not..
punkrockguy324: "fess up i admitted it"
punkrockguy324: hahahaha
punkrockguy324: well then i wont fess up!
Brandygrassie: i am not owned i meant
punkrockguy324: no i was owned
Brandygrassie: lol
Brandygrassie: now fess up!
punkrockguy324: yaar!
Brandygrassie: * taps fingers....* i'm waiting.
punkrockguy324: im hot..
punkrockguy324: BUT YOU ARE TOO!
Brandygrassie: YAY!
Brandygrassie: lol...
punkrockguy324: ^^
Brandygrassie: Gotcha!
Brandygrassie: check my sig darlin!
Brandygrassie: now, did you check your email?
punkrockguy324: one sec checking email
Brandygrassie: k
punkrockguy324: grr hurry up computer
Brandygrassie: lol
punkrockguy324: PICYS!!!
Brandygrassie: :-P
Brandygrassie: the one of me with my hair up was taken today..
Brandygrassie: about hlf an hr ago actually
punkrockguy324: yay!
Brandygrassie: :-P
punkrockguy324: hottyottyotty!
Brandygrassie: lol
Brandygrassie: silly
punkrockguy324: so secksay
punkrockguy324: well
punkrockguy324: against my will
punkrockguy324: i must sleep
punkrockguy324: school tomorrow.. and then job training
punkrockguy324: YAY I HAVE A JOB!
punkrockguy324: ^^
punkrockguy324: love ya soso much brandykins
Brandygrassie: awww..love yah too zach baby...
punkrockguy324: i'll talk to ya soon
punkrockguy324: *huggles* and <3les
Brandygrassie: you bet your bottom you will..
punkrockguy324: bye bye
Brandygrassie: *brandy styles back flipping lotsa <3les hugs*
Brandygrassie: byez
Brandygrassie: sweet dreams
Brandygrassie: and good luck tomorrow darlin
Oh well, he made me smile...
and 6 days till ma man is here..<3 to the Dan.
Oh..and umm..i had a very disrespectful child to deal with tonight..
he pretty much told me i am his slave and that i have to do as he commands or he will tell his mom..
But when he fell asleep and gave me the chance to tell her first, she couldnt beleive her 4yr old had said taht..but i could because i heard it with my own ears and seen his lil lips form each word.
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 12:27 AM CDT
Tuesday, 18 May 2004
Oh the fun of it all..
Lets see.. hmm. my mom decided to call me a fucking idiot because i want to go to I.U this up and coming fall...
She pretty much told me that if i choose to go there, she will disown me, of sorts.
Which i dont think is possible..she threatened this before, and couldnt fallow through.
Why cant she just see that i will be happy and let it be.
Cant she see that i wasnt happy in Vernon? That i wanted more than what i was finding.
That maybe i could find what i need away from Canada.
And now today hmm..where to start...
K.. first sonja asked me to do a whole wack of things, that i couldnt get done in the time she set, because i had to make ( cook) a picnic and gather all the stuff to eat with it, or just to eat with even. Plus grab towels for linc and Drew ( so if they choose to play in the water park they didnt get the seats in the van soaked...
So i get that done, then i have to go pick up a neighbour kid from school..Sonja gives me 10 mins to get there, and the wrong directions..so i was late doing that... then i had to take the kids to swim lessons ( on the way i had to tell them to put on thier seatbelts 4 times. they would put them on then take them off...so annoying..plus they get up and move about in the car while i am driving..FREAKS ME OUT!), then pick up mitch..the kids discovered they forgot towels, so i had to drop mitch off, grab towels and go to pick them up..
Then i get home, eat and clean up the dishes..
But alas its 6 pm and i am done...thank god..
And the good news is that at 7/8 i get to watch the much awaited season finaly of GILMORE GIRLS....
SO, its gunna be a good evening..
Dan, if you read this before i see you online, then call me..I miss you..I love you..and i cant stop thinking of you...
I would love to hear about your day...
cheers all..
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 6:39 PM CDT
Saturday, 15 May 2004
It is....
Isnt if funny how we never really understand love till it fills us?
I find that my thoughts tend to be filled with Dan.
' wonder what hes doing?' ' wonder how hes feeling'
'Is he thinking of me, like i am of him?' ' Is it going to be as wonderful to kiss him as i think, or will it be even more so?' ' when we kiss will there be that wonderful loving electric feeling?'
' Does he know how much i love him?' ' does he ever doubt that what i feel for him is love?'
I know i will never hurt him, well purposely anyways..
I would make him happy in anyway i can possibly.
and in 12 days i will be able to hold the one i love close..
Look into his magic eyes and kiss those wonderful lips.
He has almost become a obsesion i cant get enough of... The one i yearn for in sooo many ways.
I just hope i dont totally humiliate myself at the airport and cry so much taht its rediculas...
I wanted to talk to him today,but when i got back online to talk, he signed off..
I cant say i wasnt disappointed to see him go.
But alas there are things taht neither of us can help..
I love you dan.
Mean while in news back on my home front..
The water restrictions are taking effect.
The politician in control Sean Harvey, is a total jack ass.
I mean he is more concerned with the damn highways and roads than with the lack of water supply in the G. Vernon Area.
I fear that in light of the early crack down, that fire season may be just in the sights.
Last yr we had many forest fires and such due to the lack of water/rain during the presummer seasons. Plus the lack of snow to fuel the lakes around us.
Though, we had a bit of a better snow fall this yr, the water supply is still shockingly low.
The glacier fed lake didnt get as much water fed to it as they had hoped with the amount of snow that had fallen on Silver Star mountian.
Vernon has been granted a 35 million dollar garnt from the goverment, and just like the other citizens of the city, i am wondering what Harvery has in store for the surplus in funding.
I know i would like to see some kind of action taken to prevent the reoccuring water shortage from happening each and every yr.
I am not saying that we should be conservative.. but to already be issuing written warning of water hogging is a bit extreme i fear..
I mean, there are two written warning, then he get thier water turned off.
I know i for one would be pissed if he turned my water off in teh dead of summer when the sun is stifling hot.
"People detest paying fines so it would be more appropriate," he said.
NO SHIT SHERLOCK! everyone hates to pay for what rightfully they should have.
I mean, ppl need water to survive. And then to take that away is almost inhumain.
WOW! the stupidity of politicians.
thoughts anyone?
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 2:36 PM CDT
Updated: Saturday, 15 May 2004 2:49 PM CDT
Wednesday, 12 May 2004
The rest of it..
Today i woke up with a case of the shakes..They were so bad taht i didnt want to get out of bed..well, couldnt rather..
Its due to one of two things: my lack of caffeine this morning... or my headache that occured after the fact.
Anyways..tahts not important.. odd, i was gunna post my dream now..but i dont think i wanna..
I gots a bit of the case of the blahs.
dunno know why or how i got them..well... Maybe i do have an idea..
Everyone i know and/or love was kinda down and out today.
Man i tell yah, i was too..well, am kinda.
Worries about a day to come,
where life will seem so much more fun.
To watch a sun rise and fall,
an not be at someones beck and call.
To not hear the arguements of the short commings of ourselves.
Like festering the bee hive.
The bitterness the swells in me as i hold back,
i wish i could take those angry words and put them in a sack.
I dont want to hear them, see them or be near them.
The hurt i see, the pain i feel.
I know of these things as if they were my part of their deal.
Is all the tears worth being daily shed,
or just a reason to keep the anger fed.
I wish i knew how to make it all seem right,
because once more i was caught in the middle tonight.
how dreary is the day that surrounded me,
where happiness is hard to find and i just cant be.
Oh the temptation to run and hide again,
to leave before i become part of them like an extention.
Oh the words, the pain, the anger here..
I wish i had someone i love to hold me near.
To wipe away the pain i see, feel and make it right again.
The best kind of friend..
The one i love to no end.
Well, to add more to this day.. I hate stormy days.
They bring back flashes of memories i try hard to surpress.. To hide in the back of my mind..
Though i have gone through years of councelling for it, they dont seem to go away.
They seem to spring up, like some kinda plegue that wont let me rest.
With them come distict smells and i can sware i can still feel the plushness of carpetting..
I can almost hear the car door, the motor...
I can totally identify with the song by Evanescense called " haunted" on days like these..
The dark side of my soul pokes through as i try to push back the way things were, and change my future from repeating my past.
I cant explain it.. words are coming to me in rampid blurbs..jumbling together before my eyes..
maybe tomorrow i will be able to make this entry make more sense...but today i fear taht my emotions will further hinder it all.. The effect, the reason i am writing as i am..
Oh who knows..
i dont care ...
I have someone i love more than anything and i am gunna take this breif second to say how much he means to me.. I love you Dan.
I have never been more glad of anything, than that of your up and coming visit..
You are such a great guy and i am very glad to have you with me.
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 12:08 AM CDT
Updated: Wednesday, 12 May 2004 12:25 AM CDT
Tuesday, 11 May 2004
Evil doers beware.
I have a wonderful talk with Dan lastnight.. And inso i had a wonderful dream.. of which i will describle later..
But right now, i have only a few seconds to say my peice about how this deck i am destroying will be done come hell or high water...
But good things is the battery seems to be holding charge better today..
So there is a plus..and the rain isnt gunna stop me today.. i am goin to make a protective jacket for it. RIGHT NOW!
SO beware evil doer! NOTHING CAN STOP ME FROM FINISHING THE DECK TODAY! mwah hahahahhaahhaha!
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 10:23 AM CDT
Monday, 10 May 2004
Reflection.
Well, after thinking for a while about the lifestyle i am living at the moment.. I noticed that even though i have taken two yrs of psychology courses on how to deal with behavioral problems in children under 10... I noticed that i know the facts, but dont neccisarily fallow them..
I know not to react to random outburst for ADD ( ADHD),but to focus on the possitive..Yet, when Alex acts out, i react just like i shouldnt.
I also realised that with all the activities goin on here ( extra reading,extra math, swim lessons, singing lessons ect) and with thier homework, there isnt much time for the children to be children.
I dunno.. Maybe i am just thinking too much..
Or maybe i am not thinking enough..
But the fact remains that in reflection, things seem to be going backwards instead of forwards..
But on the possitive side, 17 days till i see Dan..
Which excites me to no end..( and i am not being sarcastic either). I am extremely looking forward to seeing him, because i love him so much.
I told him about the bizzar dream i had about being in a maze throwing bread crumbs that turned into talking flowers..And at the end of the maze was a talking flower that slobered that told me to kiss it..when i said no because it slobbered i heard Dans voice.. So i kissed it and we ( me and dan) walked away talking about life, theories and politics ( well mainly i listened to Dans views there in)....What a beautiful dream..
It made me wake up in the greatest of mood..
Which admittedly didnt last long.
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 7:43 PM CDT
Updated: Monday, 10 May 2004 7:47 PM CDT
And when?
Well, i talked to Dan lastnight till near 2:30 in the morning.
I love him so much. I always find it interesting to learn new things about him.
And some of the things i learned lastnight will be forever stowed away inside the memory boxes in my head.
As for the happenings in the world, abuse of the Iraqians being help and arrested by mistake is a total racist thing.
I mean come on, just because they are Iraqian doesnt mean they are affiliated with Sidom..
Thats just like saying all Germans are affiliated to Hitler.
The President saying that he is gunna "talk" to the soldiers is Total bull. I mean how can he rectify such a blant mistake.
There are just somethings you cant say "oh sorry about that" for.. and this is one of them.
This complete overlook of justice might, in turn lead to an on slaught of attacks against Amaricans and thier land by others. Including those who have been wrongfully held and probably ( knowing the rights of which man operates) torchured in some shape way or form.
Can you imagine? "Do you know anything about....." " No, i dont.." Smack! " tell the truth" "honestly i dont" "hank prisoner 123 gets his/her food rations taken down to bread and water portions"
What a horrible thing to learn that the USA is doing to already helpless and defenseless people, who are scared because of the ongoing uncertanty of thier up and coming lives.
Its raining here right now..which delays my distruction of the back deck till the rain lets up..If not delaying it till the morrow.
I wish Dan was online so i could talk to him about what he thinks of the "mistake" the military has made.
I love chattin with him, its always wonderful. If i am down he makes me smile.. I only hope that if the roles are reversed, I can make him smile too..
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 10:45 AM CDT
Sunday, 9 May 2004
And then?
Well, let me repost all my journal entries for the last month or so here.. Since i have decided to delete my otherone and go with the blog.
January 2, 2004
Well, i feel better today. Not hung over anymore.
Yesterday i just wanted to die. The roomies thought it would be fun to pick on poor lil me because i got pretty sick on new yr.
I think now that i have barfed my guts out for the first and last time due to alcohol, i am gunna say " thats it for me" and be done with it.
Chatted with ppl online today for a bit. Latowski the most i guess.
Him and sarah seem to be doin alright. and i am truely glad.
He deserves a good girl. Someone who is gunna love him and understand his funny lil quirks.
Febuary 8, 2004
HOLY, i seem to be missing big blocks of time!
Well, I have been thinking of my fist fight with my cousin.
I am proud of myself, yet i am also ashamed because i was resorting to her level of stupidity.
Though at the same time i dont feel i have dont the wrong thing.
My one thing that will push me over the edge everytime, being backed into a corner..
I had lil to no marks, but i apparently broke her nose..and i feel bad for it..but i cant help that she is stupid and wouldnt leave me alone.
I choose to walk away from hanging with her because i didnt like where my life was headed.
I was partying every night. i was doing drugs because i could, not because i wanted to.
I was ashamed of who i had become.
I needed to end the relationship with her and sever all ties. Though i dont think breaking her nose was the way to do.
Yet, i am glad i finally stood my ground with her. Showed her i am not scared of her. I refuse to let people walk all over me. Use me, lie to me and even lie about me.
The things i did, i am not proud of. And i am not blaming her for me doing them..but i know that i wouldnt of been where i was, when i was. I would never of slept with 2 guys at once if i hadnt been at that dance and drunker than a skunk.
I did wet tshirt contests because she made me feel wild and free.. Then i realised i can be that without her and her negative lifestyle.
I have more to offer than what i was giving. So now i am dealing with the possibility of being arrested for assualt ( which i doubt will happen)...
My friend is mad at me because i got kicked out of the bar and she wanted to stay and be with me..
But i dont think she understands how important that last step was to me.
April 1,2004
yesterday night something that i thought would never happen, did.
I have known this guy for about a year now, and he he told me he likes me.
I was shocked, but i knew we were close, so it didnt bother me. It just felt right somehow.
I mean he's been calling me daily for about a month now.
And each day i found myself looking forward to out daily chats.
Hes someone i just connect with. Someone who i can talk about nothing and everything with, in complete confidence that i can trust him.
April 2,2004.
Oh, how glorious it is to know that someone i trust and care for a great deal likes me for who i am.
I know he cares, because he is sincere about things that are important to him.
I know that he wont hurt me, because ...i dunno, i guess i just do.
Truthfully, he might accidently do it..and i know i might accidently do it to him also.
April 8,2004
Today I accepted a job being and Au Pair ( nanny) to three kids ages 4,7, and 9.
Thier mom seems to be such a sweetheart.
Though i admit that when i was talkin with her on the phone,she seemed a bit strung out about time ect.
So i think my time with them will be quite busy and go go go... Though i dont mind really. I would rather be busy.
I talked to Dan again today. Still have yet to tell him about my live journal. Oh well.
April 13,2004.
Well, only acouple days till i make my 10 week move to Texas.
I talked to sonja again, She seems such a sweet lady. I know me and her will get to be great friends. I can just tell.
Though admittedly i made friends easily.
April 18, 2004
I am now in Texas. Sugar Land to be precise.
Its really pretty here. And everything is goin real well. I couldnt be happier with the choice i made.
Its totally new and exhilerating to know i finally did something to further what i want to do with my life.. Something to further my life in many shapes ways and forms.
I think the kids are awesome, though i was asked why i made it to the age of 21 without marrying yet.
But i just diplomatically said that i am still young and havent found someone with whom to share every aspect of my life..
Though to be honest to myself, i have someone who shares a large chunk of it. He is the greatest friend to me and is now my boy friend. and its pleasing to hear his voice ( though i probably should call him sometime soon). I talk to him nightly now. Its wonderful.
April 22, 2004,
Today me and Dan had a real heart to heart talk about our lives ect. And its weird how much we truely do have in common.
He told me he loves me today... Though he kinda guessed that i love him.
I dont know when it started, but its there strong as nothing else has been before.
Its this wonderfully exhilerating feeling that i cant seem to get enough of. As the days pass, my feelings for him grow.
April 30, 2004
Today, in technicality is 1 month less our one yr anniversary.. Dan talked to sonja today on the computer. Which i admit, was quite the experience for me to stand by and know was goin on. Though i talked to him on the phone while she talked to him via MSN.
I love him so much.. And i am truely glad he loves me.
At times i wonder how i got so lucky to have him. But i am never doubtful that he loves me..
Yet, i yearn to be able to hold him. To see the many expression on his face and caress away the lines of worry that crease the handsome planes of it sometimes.
I would love nothing more than to kiss his lips. The very ones that crook up at one side when he smiles.
May 7, 2004
Today i started work an my site. A special page filled with garfield games and comics. Tips on how to keep children occupied...and much much more..
I also picked out the perfect gift for Dans birthday. And i am soooooo scared he wont like it. Justin thinks i am worrying for nothing. I hope so too. But truthfully i think i might be.
I also still have yet to tell dan about my journal on the net..and let him read it.. Oh well.. i guess i will just have to surprise him sometime.
He means the world to me, and i trust him.. And he already knows everything that goes on in my life.
Though he hasnt seen my words in writing.
I have wrote him a few poems.. and shared them with him.. but silly ole me didnt save a copy of them for myself.
I enjoyed our nightly webcam chats. They are most special and heart warming.
I love him so and would give him anything if he asked it of me...
May 9, 2004
Yesterday Dan's mom said he was allowed to come see me..So we booked him a flight, and we talked about what we can do while hes here.
God, the 27th seems yrs away.. and i am estatic about his coming to see me..
It means so much to me.
We talked till 1 am in the morning on the phone from about 10. Which was beautiful. That was the first time in a while that we have had a real long telephone conversation....
I was so excited about his coming to see me that when i found out i went to run upstairs and i tripped and ripped my favorite skirt ( darned thing is so long) but i kept on up the stairs to tell sonja that Dan is coming.
So, 18 days till i see him..and i can hardly wait.. i almost feel like taking and kidnapping him right this instance....well, if it were humanly possible..hehe..
anyways..thats my blog of the day...will up date again later if i need to.
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 5:53 PM CDT
Updated: Sunday, 9 May 2004 6:43 PM CDT
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