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Saturday, 9 October 2004
The world of twists.
Mood:
 mischievious
Now Playing: DMB- Crash into me'
* puts feet up and grabs coffee*
*Looks around* psst, can you keep a secret?
well, let us take a walk through my day shall we...
Today didnt start out like i thought it would. I was told i could sleep in, but Robyn didn know how to help jake.So,Jacob woke me up to get neopet.com going for him.. * shudders at the thought of neopet.com* it seems to be his new obsession. and it is pissing me off.
THEN he decides he needs to play some fucked up game called Snood.
He has called things weird names before, so, i didnt believe it was actually called that. Plus everytime it said something he called me to read it to him.. even though most of it he could read himself..
I felt so bad, i but i lost my temper and told him that well, pretty much if he couldnt read it or didnt know what to do, he had to play something else.
I mean i had laundry to do, and the phone kept ringing off the hook and his parents werent home and he was litteraly hanging off me.
I felt smothered and i have NEVER felt like that from a child.
Which of course started me thinking. What brought that on? Why did i snap? Why do i want to scream and stomp my feet like a spoiled child?
Which brought on the " what will make me feel better?" phase of my day.
So, jacob went to his sleep over, ryan to a poker game and i was left alone..and still am.
So i started with workingout from 8-9.. Usually peddling my ass off and pumping 60lbs 90 times with my legs and in different arm positions makes me feel better.. well, it didnt today...
Then i got to looking at my pics.. Well, i seen a pic of my Gramp, so i started to work on a dedication page to him.. Which didnt get far before i started crying, which lead to me falling asleep.
Then i woke up and wanted to Dance. I havent really wanted to dance asides for at 2 am on tuesday morning. ( sorry dan, but that was part of my problem, and i knew you were tired, plus i know you dont REALLY like to dance, so i had to struggle to surpress that urge.)
Then that started me thinking of you ( dan) and i wanted sooo bad to call you and hear your voice.. and i couldnt because you are at work atm.
Well, then that started me at looking at my poems.
Tomorrow i dont work.. And i wish i could go somewhere and waste the day..but thats not looking to happen. I want to run away atm. Just pick up and leave.
Though i also have this strange urge to play with my faerie cards.. Maybe play with a few spells. Simple things like the rain and storm one.. or something harmless. Though in a mood like this i dont think magic would be a good idea.
I wish i had my boxing gloves and a bag atm. I could lash out and work though my muddled mind and sort through my emotions...
I feel restless and used....I feel black, dark and want to lash out... The urge is almost uncontrolable.
I have this strange feeling that there is something wrong somewhere that should effect my life... but i cant find it...
It stems from my weird and distorted feeling that i should be somewhere else..I dont know where, but anywhere but here...
The only place the feeling stops is when i am with dan......I just feel this belonging i have never felt...This trust beyond words. This non ending love. The need to be with him all the time is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo strong.
And once he phones his mom it will be even better. I want to meet the woman that raised such an amazing person. I want to see this cooky gr1 pic i have heard sooo much about.
I want to see a part of dan that he dont talk about. His childhood. I know its because he dont remember much, but his mom will. I know also that my meeting her will not be as horrible as think it will be.. The only true way it will be horrible is to have me fall on my face upon her arrival. That or for me to do my lil curtsy bob thing that i do when i meet ppl.. Its SOOOOO humiliating.. I dont even know where it comes from.
I want to do and say unusual things atm.. and i dont trust myself to get it out of my system...
And to make it worse, ryan just got home and his parent said for him to go to his room at 11 and i asked him if he wanted a movie for his room but he said " who says i am going there" and i dont trust myself not to freak out and put him over my shoulder and march upstairs and throw him on his bed and tell him off. Making sure that he knows in no uncertainies exactly what will happen if he comes out of his room....
*does weird lil annoyed dance*
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 10:54 PM CDT
Updated: Saturday, 9 October 2004 10:58 PM CDT
Friday, 8 October 2004
Rain rain go away...
Mood:
 hug me
Now Playing: Song: Foolish Games- Jewel
Exasperation has taken hold of me again.
THe feeling of restlessness and longing is in my soul. I think of Dan all day and the dreary sky sprinkels lil drops of rain onto my soul.
I wish i could do everything today. So i am singing out my soul. I talked with Jason (phyr) today about how most ppl dont like dan and they have seen his need to protect me from hurt. And they are callin his actions unheeded and stupid. So jason is going to put a post in the Mod forum saying that when a thread is closed they have to at least explain in mod forum thier reason, so that when it is complained about, they have a reason to give everyone. I am proud of dan. He has such a wonderful personality, he is not scared to say exactly what he is thinking. Though, i admit it can be VERY blunt at times. But i would want it no other way.
He has the most wonderful smile. 
As you can see. The gentle mystery his eyes hold, the cocky but genuine smile he flashes on occasion make my heart melt. He hold my heart captive with his " lil brudder" charm.
I love how he likes to cuddle with me when i am there. Watching tv, sitting at the computer ( me on his lap), when i was baking cookies he made sure to come in and hold me close.
When he sang " between the bars" to me and held me while he gently swayed back and forth.
The images of the random spots we have kissed, that are captured in my mind.
The memories i have of our relationship are my stronghold on rainy days such as this.
I have a feeling today is gunna be a long day as of three pm.
Look out neopet.com here i come.. grr. Jacob is obsessed with it.
Oh well, i guess there are worse games for him to like.
Dan, i love you baby. I dont just mean like i have others before. Because i know it wasnt love. Just my need for love. My need to love someone and feel needed and loved back. Though i would give and not get back. But with you, i get back.. And i wish i could kiss you right now.
The road i choose for myself is complicated, but you are there to support my choices. You encourage me.
You make me feel special. I know ppl have told you that they wished you had more confidence in yourself because you dont seem to because you are dating me. And they are the kinds of ppl i have faught my whole life to defy and prove wrong. I know i dont seem to have alot of confidence in myself, i just know where my limits are. I know what my strengths are.
You said lastnight that you admire how even though i myself am down, i help others who feel bad also. The reason that is, is purely selfish. I help others because i know that i have helped them feel better and it makes me feel better.
There are deep dark secrets that we have confided in eachother and that helps us bond together. We are alot alike and though ppl on sx will just look and see me with my usual gentle words and low self image on sx and compair your very blunt way of saying pretty much the same as me. I wish they could understand that i seem to have such low self esteem not as my down fall, but my being realistic.
I am not a heart stopping beauty, but i know i have an expressive face and am physically strong. And you seen the proof of that when i picked up the whole 160 lbs of you lastweekend.
I let ppl think of me as stupid, so that if i say something that is a lil off kilter, they dont get disappointed in me.
The image of what i was when i first joined sx was the real me..The one that i have stopped showing to the world abroad.
I am glad i have you sweetheart..I love you and i miss you.
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 2:18 PM CDT
Updated: Friday, 8 October 2004 2:24 PM CDT
Thursday, 7 October 2004
The sun is burning my soul...
Mood:
 irritated
Now Playing: Song: Dandy Warhols:sleep
Well, I got up today, as i usually do on a thursday. Getup, stretch, change, get sheets off of my bed, drop them at the top of the stairs, turn the corner and head up to the other rooms to get thier sheets. Start with Robyn and Sam's room, then go to: Jacobs, Ryans and Lastly Adam's.
Once that is done, go down stairs put laundry in the cockeyed washer.
I say its cockeyed because it looks like a dryer, because the opening is on the front not on top where it should be.
From there i head to the kitchen. MOCHA BABY! Hit me with the caffine! While i wait for my addiction to brew, i unload the dishwasher and if Robyn is home get the daily run down on how things will go for the day.
SO, since she was home i get the low down. Adam leaves here today to go to Florida for the weekend. Jacob will be home on the bus, Ryan will be picked up by robyn. She will then take adam to the airport, while i made dinner for everyone else (which is a great feet for me, because i hardly ever get to cook and i enjoy it soooo much). After that, she will be returning to pick up ryan for Break Dancing lessons, and i get to wrestle with Jacob to get him to shower and to bed on time.. 8:15-8:30 where i then will read him his book and say "bye" at 9 pm.
Well, since i have a few hrs today to muck about i am playing with my book..gogo me.. well, not really. Its not going so well. I have a huge Emotional writing block. I cant seem to write what i want to expresss. It seems void of details and feeling. Its like reading chalk.
To top that ppl are getting on my nerves. I gave a friend advice and they just shot it off and said " i dont need your advice, even though i asked for it.
and now has broken up with his gf. GO figure.
Every girls dream is for her bf of 9 months to take her to a sports pub for a romantic dinner on her bday because he wants to watch the game..
* rolls eyes* So, needless to say i have both of them givin me hell and pestering me for advice.
I mean for crying out loud, what does she expect, hes a sports fan and a jounalism major with a fucking paper due tomorrow on the game.
She told him he was immature and a procrastinator. hmm.. doing your homework and trying to take your love out for dinner is immature. Curious dont you think?
Anyways, so i decided to try and get my site back up and going again today. Its not as good as i would like it, but its gunna be a long process in getting it where it once was. I mean i lost all the info when they deleted it... *sigh* So far i have the skimpy briefs of what i believe.
Oh well.
I feel mean and vandictive.... I just wanna spit in the face of the world and scream..
How lovely huh?
On the bright side i have Dan still and i love him very much. He makes me soo happy and i will forever more treasure him.. *kisses* to the man
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 2:47 PM CDT
Friday, 24 September 2004
On that thought.....
1. Who are you?
I am Brandy..
2. Are we friends?
If you are reading this entry, then most likely.
3. When and how did we meet?
depends on who you are ( upon reading this) but most likely through a site of one kind or another.
4. Do you have a crush on me?
Umm..unless you are Dan, no.
5. Would you kiss me?
umm...if you are a good friend maybe one on the cheek or forehead.. but unless i am in a relationship i dont kiss others.
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
Dan- Dandy ( you know why)
Zach- Zach darlin.(self explanitory)
peter- peter dear.( dunno)
Cory- Cor bear.( it just fit)
Dave ( CEG)- charmer without a cause. ( ask me in private and i will tell yah)
Stu- Stud ( typo)
Jason ( phyr)- mr. pants... long story..but you know it.
7. Describe me in one word- a friend.
8. What was your first impression? of? geez thats not a loaded question or anything...*rolls eyes*
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
I think all my friends have great gifts and are wonderful ppl.
10. What reminds you of me?
depends on who you are..if you want a more indepth answer, you know how to reach me.
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
one day of complete happiness with no worries about anything.
12. How well do you know me?
Depends on who you are..again.
13. When's the last time you saw me?
depends on who you are...
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
regard statement above.
15. Are you going to put this on your Live Journal and see what I say about you?
Dont have a live journal..i use blog..sorry.
if you want to fill it out in regards to me, email me the answers ( brandygrassie@yahoo.ca)
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 8:06 PM CDT
Updated: Friday, 24 September 2004 8:10 PM CDT
Friday, 30 July 2004
Publishing...
I have done it.. I am almost finished my book. 12 pages to go.
YAY ME!
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 1:42 PM CDT
Saturday, 19 June 2004
Fight!!
Well, went to bed early lastnight..
Woke up wat 10 this morning.. so i had 12 hrs of sleep.
Woke up and well, found out that sonja went through her documents and deleted her antivirus, my pictures, and more of my stuff.
So i got maddest when i found she had deleted or ( it was in the recycle bin) my poetry manuscript.
So i got so mad taht i yelled and screamed. I went upstairs and started punching the living shit out of my bed..
poor thing..
then sonja came in and explained how she was just trying to appear comp. savve.
So that was that,because then i felt bad for her, because truth be told, she could never be comp. savve.
Its just not like her.
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 2:02 PM CDT
Sunday, 13 June 2004
:(
Well, its official.. I beleive i am suffering once again from an attack of depression.
I dont want to deal or do anything.
Had a huge scare the other day... but hey, its over and no big deal.I am just a freak..no biggy.
Anyways..
Yeah.
I feel like i am either gunna cry my eyes out or freak out and start throwing things.
WATCH OUT WORLD BRANDYS LOST IT AGAIN!
Oh and i love my Dan.. Hes wonderful to me.. and there is not a thing i wouldnt do for him.
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 4:30 PM CDT
Updated: Sunday, 13 June 2004 5:04 PM CDT
Thursday, 10 June 2004
Unbeleivable..
Well, my mom got served with court papers.
It appears my dad is taking her back to court to get the child support cut off for my sister.
Many because my step mom is a kniving sleezy bitch that has no morals and who is greedy and conceipted.
Anyways...
back about 2 months ago my step mother kicked my dad out for going on a bing..( my dad is an alcoholic and x drug user).
Anyways, so he went to live with his brother ( my uncle Ken).
Well, lil did i know he is back home up on the hill.
And today my step mom showed up at the door of my moms house and said " we really dont want to do this, but it has to be done" and gave her the papers.
My mom being the great lovable person she is told her " get the fuck off my property you fucking cow"
She then told me that it was a good thing for my dad that he didnt give them to her because she would of had no problems punching his lights out.
Note: my mom and dad grew up together and for a portion of her life he lived in her mothers home like one of the family.. so at points my mom treats him as such and sibbling rivalry returns..
anyways...
The court papers served to my mom stated he pays over $2000 for his tobacoo..
That he pays property taxes ( but doesnt claim the mortgage or even that they have a tendant that lives down stairs that pays them 500/mo. ) that he pays my mom child support for my sister of 103/mo ( just over 3 dollars a day).
That my sister ( who is 19 and goes to school)gets 190/mo from CPP ( canadian pension plan) for going to school.
Granted my sister doesnt always attend school full time, she is however registered and the school is getting funding for her as fulltime.
He also didnt claim that i paid him 400/mo for 3.5 months that i lived there.
So pretty much he outright lied on it.
but still, he pays more for his tobacco than he does for support of my sister.
Not just that he is fighting paying for 2 more months. My sister plans on moving out by the end of this summer!!
So he lost his daughter for 206 dollars.
He lost me for more reasons than one. On the bright side my sister now knows that i wasnt lying to her when i said that my dad did what he did to me. Because he just did pretty much the same thing to her as he did to me.
Wow, how ironic it all is.
How stupid can you be?
Not just that the papers filed at the court house for the child support to begin with also SAY he has a tenant down stairs and that it was claimed before.
Fucking ppl! grr!
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 11:29 PM CDT
Tuesday, 25 May 2004
SICKNESS!!
Well, i woke up this morning and sonja had to go get me a warm cloth to loosen goo that had hardened my eyes in thier shut position.
Things went well, i cleaned the entire house ( minus the play room/office...
I also found out that even though dan is coming to visit me,plans have changed..
I will not be allowed to stay in the same HOUSE as him during sleeping hrs, because her sister in law said taht it would be a disgrace to thier religion...
What horse shit!
So now, if we stay in Sugar Land, we have to stay in seporate beds, in seporate houses!!!
man, i tell yah..great life i have atm..
Not only that, but Dan will be given my bed while i relocate to Leslies!!!!
I was like OMG GRRR! * shakes fist*
So now, i am looking at the possibility of us staying in a hotel because i was informed that camping during the may-october months here is nuts..because of misquitos and the huminity..
Though i dont find it all that humid, and OFF! is all i have to say about the misquitos.. But apparently bugs will make thier way to the tent..so i am kinda like...hmmmm.. guess camping is out also..
So now i am doing a last minute frenzied search of reasonably priced hotels locally...
And i cant talk to dan because earlier his phone was being worked on ( i think because of the network probs with the comps) and he is at work till 11ish... so good thing i spent most of today sleeping ( due to my not feeling well at all today)...
I went out to dinner with the family and thier relatives, which was funny because when i am sick, i was sure glad i know my table manners and had my napkin placed soundly in my lap..otherwise i wuold of looked like a drop cloth! I just couldnt seem to get the hang of it.... It was Indian food too..which would of ment that i smelt like curry and indian spices...
I totally got mad at dan lastnight for a very silly reason..
I guess i am a real bad person when i am sick and tired...
and he signed off before i could say *kiss* and taht i loved him..:(
And i do love him... All day i have been thinking about him and what a horrible thing i did to him yesterday..
I sent him an appology card...and an appology email ( which i think might of been over doing it) but i wanted him to know that i was REALLY sorry and that i still love him..
anyways..thats my thoughts atm.
cheers
Update:My grandpa spent yrs collecting hats...mostly baseball caps with various local companies logos on them...when he passed away he knew my dad also did the same thing in my home town..so in his will, he left my dad his hat collection figuring my dad would appreciate them for what they are and what they symbolised... YET, i just found out my dad threw 90% of them away.. keeping only the ones he liked and the cowboy hats.
and he gave my sister her choice of which one she wanted..and one to my brother and other sister... but because i wasnt "available" to choose one, he thew the rest away..
I would of loved to have been able to choose one.. and i only have another 4 weeks here...would it of killed him to wait that long?
That's just all kinds of wrong. >< there were over 200 hats. when we brought them back from the funeral, there were 8 large micorwave boxes filled with hats. now he has the 5 cowboy hats that were in it, and 6 of the baseball caps...my siblings have 3 between them... and i got none...and the rest he threw away.. UNBELEIVABLE!
i would of taken the rest of the hats myself if i had known.. i would of gotten him to take them to my storage area and put them in there instead.
I am so hurt and disturbed by this i dont know what else to do but to cry..
and i really wish i could talk to dan...i really need his loving support atm...
How could he? the man that raised him from a young age till adulthood, who loved him like his own? and he does this to something that his dad did for him? thought he would respect?
This is outragious..
grr...* goes away crying* i will post more on this later...after i finish blubbering.
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 9:05 PM CDT
Updated: Tuesday, 25 May 2004 11:41 PM CDT
Friday, 21 May 2004
still up..
well, its almost 1 am..and i am still up..weird.
I think its because I WANT DAN!!!!!!! wwwaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 12:54 AM CDT
Updated: Friday, 21 May 2004 12:55 AM CDT
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