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Thursday, 18 November 2004
Wishes.....
Mood:
 hug me
Now Playing: The road I'm on...
There are just sometimes when no matter what you wish/crave for the one you love to be near.. To hold you, snuggle with you and kiss you.
Today is one of those days for me.. I love Dan very much...and sometimes i think he doesnt quite get how much i miss him... Yet, at other times i think he does..*sigh*
I love him with all my heart..and i know he isnt used to talking to ppl about how he feels..but i dont think he knows that i feel what he feels sometimes.
I dont think he knows what it means for me to be an empath...*sigh*
Maybe this is me in one of my many strange moods.. Oh well..
I love you sweetheart..with all my heart.. sometimes, i think you forget that i feel what you feel.. when you feel blah, i know it..
I wish you would let me in sometimes sweetie.. I love you...
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 12:18 AM CST
Updated: Thursday, 18 November 2004 12:25 AM CST
Wednesday, 10 November 2004
WHY?
Mood:
 crushed out
Now Playing: Elliot Smith- Somebody i used to know
Curious, but its so easy to be crushed when you miss the one you love... it takes lil to nothing to be hurt.
I found this out today.. I had forgotten about it..
I told dan that i wouldnt be able to talk to him Thursday November 11th because i had children patrol, due to the fact that they dont have any school. We usually are able to talk during the day
.. Well, tonight, i let him know just how much i wished i was with him.. i even told him i was in an "i need dan" mood..
SO i ask if i could call him in 15-20 minutes.. Well, look out heart, here comes the bomb..
He says yes, so i call him in 15 to be INFORMED that he FORGOT that him and his brother were going to go get something to bring home to eat.. and would be away...
Great, thanks.. i'm in a needing comfort mood and you forget that you are hungry? right.
All i wanted was some time with him.. where i could hear his voice... Then he asks me why i was upset and angry sounding.. classic..
*sigh* i just wanna go hide and cry...
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 11:36 PM CST
Monday, 25 October 2004
Between waking hours.
Mood:
 blue
Now Playing: John Lennon- Oh my love.
I was so tired, yet i laid awake.
The song that i hear speaks to me in the silence. It screams out my feelings for him...
How when our relationship changed, how i seen the world changed.
"Oh my love for the first time in my life,
my eyes are wide open.
Oh my lover for the first time in my life,
my eyes can see.
I see the wind.
Oh, I see the trees.
Everything is clear in my heart.
I see the clouds.
Oh, I see the sky.
Everything is clear in our world.
Oh my love for the first time in my life,
my mind is wide open.
Oh my lover for the first time in my life,
my mind can feel.
I feel the sorrow.
Oh, I feel dreams.
Everything is clear in my heart.
I feel life.
Oh, I feel love.
Everything is clear in our world."- John lennon.
And as i hear these lyrics played in thier gentle sway, i cant stop myself from going " what would the world be like if i didnt have his love?" and i thought about what it used to look like..
I thought about how i cant say i know for sure what tomorrow will bring.
But i know tomorrow also brings me one day closer to being held safely in his arms yet again... Tonight, i wanted nothing more than to lay with my head in his lap, look up into the wonderous depths of his eyes as we talked. I wanted to have his arms around me as i watched tv, and/or fell asleep..
I wish that when i wake tomorrow, it will be with his arms around me. Holding me close... Yet, that dream will have to wait till sunday..
He is an amazing person.. Kind, gentle, sweet, respectful, charming, galant, sarcastic, smart and i love him soo much.
I love him and am proud to say to the world that i, brandy grassie, am in love with Dan Latowski.
Yet, in all reality, there will be only a handful to read this entry anyways.
It's funny when i dated others, i had an image in my head that is different than what i do now... I wanted different things.
I used to just want to be loved, to be happy and respected... The common things you wish for when you arent IN love with someone.
Now i am happy, respected and loved.. Now i find that i want the Kisses at sunset. I want the moonlit walks in the fall leaves.. I want the sunrise picnics i have always dreamed of.. I yearn for our endless kisses.. I want to wake in the night and be able to roll over and snuggle up to my love...
There are wonderful moments/hrs... The hours where we stay up till 4 am talking of our desires for the other to be with us..
I dont care about walking barefoot on the beach anymore. I used to want to do that.. Now, i can do it alone.. I walked along the beach with your hand in mine.. and i have a picture to prove it..
There are soo many precious moments taht are forever captured in my mind and stored away in my heart...
I want to be beside when things are hard, i want to be beside you when things are great.. I want to share with you my favorite sights that i want to see.. I want to snuggle with you as rain falls outside and pelts against the window.. I want just us to be under a blanket together, talking as the soft glowing light and warmth of a fire cracks across the room in a cute lil fire place...
I want to dance barefoot in the dewy grass under the stars as the wind blows gently..
I want your voice to sooth away my fear of the thunder as we both sit and watch the raving of the storm outside.  
I want to walk down the unpaved, bumpy dirt road of life with you.. Because it feels right to me.. The love i have for you feels right..
I wish we could hide away. Keep the lil world we create when we are together and never have to deal with the real world.
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 3:27 AM CDT
Updated: Monday, 25 October 2004 3:29 AM CDT
Thursday, 21 October 2004
The insomniac.
Mood:
 not sure
Now Playing: Seether- Broken.
I couldnt sleep again tonight. So, i decided to watch some tv.
The sad thing was that the only reasonable show i could find was Roseanne.
Yet, i find it strange that i found a message in her words.
" What didnt fit in my life i changed..... What i didnt like, i changed."
And i couldnt help but think, "could i do this too?" Her she is writing her lifestory, and i, in essence am doing the same.
My editor sent me back my book and told me to add emotion. And the weird thing is, i am scared to.
I dont want to reach into myself and relive my past alone.
I guess that is why i am so thankful that Dan is willing to hold my hand while my life flashes before my eyes. The memories of my childhood would make even the hardest synic cringe.
Most people dont remember when they were nearly two... But as i have found out in pychology, there are tramatic scense that even a toddler will remember. And my earliest memory is just that.
Its funny, but its hard for me to find light in my life.. The bad things outweigh the good tenfolds.
I listened to people tell me i couldnt and wont for so long that now, i find that i have problems realising that i can.
Dan, i know, gets fustrated with me for this reason. He hears me say things like " if i could" or " i am not" but its those voices of negativity i heard for most of my life coming back to haunt me.
I struggle to reign in my thoughts sometimes.. They run rampid through my head and sometimes overpower my heart.
I dream about things sometimes, things that dont make sense to me. Blurs, cents, voices...
AAA taught my dad that there is a commity in his head that twists his logic. And, as a victom of that logic, i also have the doubt commity in my head that i struggle daily to over come.
And as a pagan, i find myself tempted to turn my heart off and go black magic.. It tempts me soo much at times that i get irritated with myself.
I love all of my friends.. But, its my family that doesnt understand me.. And, no matter how hard i struggle, i cant seem to feel like i can break free of them.
Because late at night its my dads voice blaming me for his faults in my sleep... Its how my mom lives that makes me want to help her and abandon all i have to get her to do for herself what she has forgotten to do for herself.
It my brothers epilepsy that makes me want to fight to get money, and find a cure..
I always was smarter than most of my classmates, but i was afraid to stand out because when i did, i was the victom of harsh ridicule.
Yet, my mind is ever sharp and always waiting in limbo for those silent hours when it can dive into reflection and bring to my eyes the memories that i wish i could wash away.
I have so many dreams, so many things i want to do, yet i cant seem to focus completly on one.
Music seems to call to me at night.. My mind is wild and raging with thoughts, dreams and whispers of things i could do.. Things i want, but cant get to easily.
I want to be with dan as much as i can, but because of my need to help my family i cant see him as much as i want.. and i love him so much..
There is a special connection between us.. Times when i can feel him, his feelings his thoughts, as if he were here with me talkin to me.
I know there is so much i could say, but there are just somethings i cant say in a blog...and things only few need to know.
i love you dan..*kiss*
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 2:29 AM CDT
Wednesday, 13 October 2004
OUCHI!!
Mood:
hug me
great, if my day wasnt weird enough les add a HUGE bump on my head...
slip on mat in bathroom hit top left side of my head on granate counter top that holds my sink..almost fall in toilet and have to have a shower because head also hits toilet and hair goes in...
oh and pls read the below entry..same day hr or so earlier..
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 9:48 PM CDT
Updated: Wednesday, 13 October 2004 9:51 PM CDT
Todays is another day...
Mood:
not sure
Now Playing: Pink Floyd- shine on you crazy diamond.
Have you ever looked at the world and thought " what the fuck is this all about?"
Today, i kinda did that... But it was more like " wtf is going on here!!??"
Take one spoiled child that doesnt do well in school and is mouth and add a 2000 dollar drumset and what do you get?
My life.Thats right, ryan is getting state of the art drums.. duh duh da!! and guess where they are to be set up?
RIGHT NEXT TO MY ROOM!!! talk about pushing the knife in a lil.
The kid mouths off to his parents when they tell him to do his homework...
Add to that he is failing one of his courses and it is only mid october so far.
Then also, i told jake no today ( as usual he wanted to do something stupid....) and i tell him to be careful and he flips over in the bathtub and whacks his head... gets a bump and when i told him that i wouldnt go get him an ice pack he told me i was a witch..
Ok, not so bad, he is stating the facts, but he doesnt know that.. i havent told the ppl i live with that i am pagan... for reasons.
So then i tell him to stop messing around its time for bed.. and again he insults me just that this time he said " your more evil than any witch or demon around.. and i dont like you."
Five minutes later he expects me to have our usual pillow fight with him..
gah.. kids.
On the bright hand, i dreamed about the wonderful time i had with dan in galveston.. It was a wonderful dream and i enjoyed talking with him this afternoon..
I know alot of the "crew" i talk to on sx dont like him...but i would stand behind anything ( for the most part) that dan does or says because i understand him.. and i love him..
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 9:28 PM CDT
Updated: Wednesday, 13 October 2004 9:29 PM CDT
Tuesday, 12 October 2004
lala land.
Mood:
 d'oh
Now Playing: Nora Jones- come away with me.
Well, things are a lil strange on sx. Members are going for blood in the " legalisation of Mary-jane" thread.
Dan on the " drugs are bad" side. Cory on the "pot isnt that bad" side. Jason on the " hate all drugs and drug dealers" side.
Mep picking my ass about how i "analised" a particular situation on a couple sentenses.
I am operating on 4- 4.5 hrs of sleep last night..
and i cant stop thinking of dan...
How much i love him..
How much i wish i could be with him.
How much i wish i could talk with him face to face, see each idea form like a cloud behind his eyes.
I sure do miss him.
I'm not sure if he knows it yet, but there is a lot of weird quirks in me that most ppl cant get over... I am not quick to judge like Mep says... Quite the opposite.. I am last to decide and always very careful about how i do things.
On the bright side i have my site up and running again.. My book is in the works at the editors.. My dedication to my grandpa is finished.. My beliefs page is in to works... as well as the non ending works that will entail my page for dan.
Though, there are secrets even this very happily in loved young woman will never tell...
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 10:58 PM CDT
Updated: Tuesday, 12 October 2004 11:00 PM CDT
Saturday, 9 October 2004
The world of twists.
Mood:
 mischievious
Now Playing: DMB- Crash into me'
* puts feet up and grabs coffee*
*Looks around* psst, can you keep a secret?
well, let us take a walk through my day shall we...
Today didnt start out like i thought it would. I was told i could sleep in, but Robyn didn know how to help jake.So,Jacob woke me up to get neopet.com going for him.. * shudders at the thought of neopet.com* it seems to be his new obsession. and it is pissing me off.
THEN he decides he needs to play some fucked up game called Snood.
He has called things weird names before, so, i didnt believe it was actually called that. Plus everytime it said something he called me to read it to him.. even though most of it he could read himself..
I felt so bad, i but i lost my temper and told him that well, pretty much if he couldnt read it or didnt know what to do, he had to play something else.
I mean i had laundry to do, and the phone kept ringing off the hook and his parents werent home and he was litteraly hanging off me.
I felt smothered and i have NEVER felt like that from a child.
Which of course started me thinking. What brought that on? Why did i snap? Why do i want to scream and stomp my feet like a spoiled child?
Which brought on the " what will make me feel better?" phase of my day.
So, jacob went to his sleep over, ryan to a poker game and i was left alone..and still am.
So i started with workingout from 8-9.. Usually peddling my ass off and pumping 60lbs 90 times with my legs and in different arm positions makes me feel better.. well, it didnt today...
Then i got to looking at my pics.. Well, i seen a pic of my Gramp, so i started to work on a dedication page to him.. Which didnt get far before i started crying, which lead to me falling asleep.
Then i woke up and wanted to Dance. I havent really wanted to dance asides for at 2 am on tuesday morning. ( sorry dan, but that was part of my problem, and i knew you were tired, plus i know you dont REALLY like to dance, so i had to struggle to surpress that urge.)
Then that started me thinking of you ( dan) and i wanted sooo bad to call you and hear your voice.. and i couldnt because you are at work atm.
Well, then that started me at looking at my poems.
Tomorrow i dont work.. And i wish i could go somewhere and waste the day..but thats not looking to happen. I want to run away atm. Just pick up and leave.
Though i also have this strange urge to play with my faerie cards.. Maybe play with a few spells. Simple things like the rain and storm one.. or something harmless. Though in a mood like this i dont think magic would be a good idea.
I wish i had my boxing gloves and a bag atm. I could lash out and work though my muddled mind and sort through my emotions...
I feel restless and used....I feel black, dark and want to lash out... The urge is almost uncontrolable.
I have this strange feeling that there is something wrong somewhere that should effect my life... but i cant find it...
It stems from my weird and distorted feeling that i should be somewhere else..I dont know where, but anywhere but here...
The only place the feeling stops is when i am with dan......I just feel this belonging i have never felt...This trust beyond words. This non ending love. The need to be with him all the time is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo strong.
And once he phones his mom it will be even better. I want to meet the woman that raised such an amazing person. I want to see this cooky gr1 pic i have heard sooo much about.
I want to see a part of dan that he dont talk about. His childhood. I know its because he dont remember much, but his mom will. I know also that my meeting her will not be as horrible as think it will be.. The only true way it will be horrible is to have me fall on my face upon her arrival. That or for me to do my lil curtsy bob thing that i do when i meet ppl.. Its SOOOOO humiliating.. I dont even know where it comes from.
I want to do and say unusual things atm.. and i dont trust myself to get it out of my system...
And to make it worse, ryan just got home and his parent said for him to go to his room at 11 and i asked him if he wanted a movie for his room but he said " who says i am going there" and i dont trust myself not to freak out and put him over my shoulder and march upstairs and throw him on his bed and tell him off. Making sure that he knows in no uncertainies exactly what will happen if he comes out of his room....
*does weird lil annoyed dance*
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 10:54 PM CDT
Updated: Saturday, 9 October 2004 10:58 PM CDT
Friday, 8 October 2004
Rain rain go away...
Mood:
hug me
Now Playing: Song: Foolish Games- Jewel
Exasperation has taken hold of me again.
THe feeling of restlessness and longing is in my soul. I think of Dan all day and the dreary sky sprinkels lil drops of rain onto my soul.
I wish i could do everything today. So i am singing out my soul. I talked with Jason (phyr) today about how most ppl dont like dan and they have seen his need to protect me from hurt. And they are callin his actions unheeded and stupid. So jason is going to put a post in the Mod forum saying that when a thread is closed they have to at least explain in mod forum thier reason, so that when it is complained about, they have a reason to give everyone. I am proud of dan. He has such a wonderful personality, he is not scared to say exactly what he is thinking. Though, i admit it can be VERY blunt at times. But i would want it no other way.
He has the most wonderful smile. 
As you can see. The gentle mystery his eyes hold, the cocky but genuine smile he flashes on occasion make my heart melt. He hold my heart captive with his " lil brudder" charm.
I love how he likes to cuddle with me when i am there. Watching tv, sitting at the computer ( me on his lap), when i was baking cookies he made sure to come in and hold me close.
When he sang " between the bars" to me and held me while he gently swayed back and forth.
The images of the random spots we have kissed, that are captured in my mind.
The memories i have of our relationship are my stronghold on rainy days such as this.
I have a feeling today is gunna be a long day as of three pm.
Look out neopet.com here i come.. grr. Jacob is obsessed with it.
Oh well, i guess there are worse games for him to like.
Dan, i love you baby. I dont just mean like i have others before. Because i know it wasnt love. Just my need for love. My need to love someone and feel needed and loved back. Though i would give and not get back. But with you, i get back.. And i wish i could kiss you right now.
The road i choose for myself is complicated, but you are there to support my choices. You encourage me.
You make me feel special. I know ppl have told you that they wished you had more confidence in yourself because you dont seem to because you are dating me. And they are the kinds of ppl i have faught my whole life to defy and prove wrong. I know i dont seem to have alot of confidence in myself, i just know where my limits are. I know what my strengths are.
You said lastnight that you admire how even though i myself am down, i help others who feel bad also. The reason that is, is purely selfish. I help others because i know that i have helped them feel better and it makes me feel better.
There are deep dark secrets that we have confided in eachother and that helps us bond together. We are alot alike and though ppl on sx will just look and see me with my usual gentle words and low self image on sx and compair your very blunt way of saying pretty much the same as me. I wish they could understand that i seem to have such low self esteem not as my down fall, but my being realistic.
I am not a heart stopping beauty, but i know i have an expressive face and am physically strong. And you seen the proof of that when i picked up the whole 160 lbs of you lastweekend.
I let ppl think of me as stupid, so that if i say something that is a lil off kilter, they dont get disappointed in me.
The image of what i was when i first joined sx was the real me..The one that i have stopped showing to the world abroad.
I am glad i have you sweetheart..I love you and i miss you.
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 2:18 PM CDT
Updated: Friday, 8 October 2004 2:24 PM CDT
Thursday, 7 October 2004
The sun is burning my soul...
Mood:
 irritated
Now Playing: Song: Dandy Warhols:sleep
Well, I got up today, as i usually do on a thursday. Getup, stretch, change, get sheets off of my bed, drop them at the top of the stairs, turn the corner and head up to the other rooms to get thier sheets. Start with Robyn and Sam's room, then go to: Jacobs, Ryans and Lastly Adam's.
Once that is done, go down stairs put laundry in the cockeyed washer.
I say its cockeyed because it looks like a dryer, because the opening is on the front not on top where it should be.
From there i head to the kitchen. MOCHA BABY! Hit me with the caffine! While i wait for my addiction to brew, i unload the dishwasher and if Robyn is home get the daily run down on how things will go for the day.
SO, since she was home i get the low down. Adam leaves here today to go to Florida for the weekend. Jacob will be home on the bus, Ryan will be picked up by robyn. She will then take adam to the airport, while i made dinner for everyone else (which is a great feet for me, because i hardly ever get to cook and i enjoy it soooo much). After that, she will be returning to pick up ryan for Break Dancing lessons, and i get to wrestle with Jacob to get him to shower and to bed on time.. 8:15-8:30 where i then will read him his book and say "bye" at 9 pm.
Well, since i have a few hrs today to muck about i am playing with my book..gogo me.. well, not really. Its not going so well. I have a huge Emotional writing block. I cant seem to write what i want to expresss. It seems void of details and feeling. Its like reading chalk.
To top that ppl are getting on my nerves. I gave a friend advice and they just shot it off and said " i dont need your advice, even though i asked for it.
and now has broken up with his gf. GO figure.
Every girls dream is for her bf of 9 months to take her to a sports pub for a romantic dinner on her bday because he wants to watch the game..
* rolls eyes* So, needless to say i have both of them givin me hell and pestering me for advice.
I mean for crying out loud, what does she expect, hes a sports fan and a jounalism major with a fucking paper due tomorrow on the game.
She told him he was immature and a procrastinator. hmm.. doing your homework and trying to take your love out for dinner is immature. Curious dont you think?
Anyways, so i decided to try and get my site back up and going again today. Its not as good as i would like it, but its gunna be a long process in getting it where it once was. I mean i lost all the info when they deleted it... *sigh* So far i have the skimpy briefs of what i believe.
Oh well.
I feel mean and vandictive.... I just wanna spit in the face of the world and scream..
How lovely huh?
On the bright side i have Dan still and i love him very much. He makes me soo happy and i will forever more treasure him.. *kisses* to the man
Posted by bansheekisses0
at 2:47 PM CDT
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